So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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