Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
