I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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