Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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