yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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