we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
