Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
