theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
