Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
