Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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