I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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