I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
