i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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