My nipple is on Facebook.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
