You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
