Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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