I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
