we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
