Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
