i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
