I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
