I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
