I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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