Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
