I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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