I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is my gift to your gina
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
