mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
