And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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