Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
