i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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