is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it hurts more in the daytime
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
