3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
