drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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