I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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