It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
