You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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