Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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