Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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