I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
