If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
