new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
