i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
