Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
