i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
