There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
