And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
