just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
