he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
