I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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