I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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